[THE END?]
Fuc the schedule. Phuck the online journal. It's over. Carl Li is done. Kil Carl!!!!
I'm really fuk'd up this week!! I missed the LAST RA meeting of the year,.. missed MY OWN LAST FLOOR MEETING!!!! AND, .... I GOT THREE PARKING TICKETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Arghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
[Depression VS. Happiness => Love? VS Success VS Inner Peace & Balance]
Why am I depressed? Sad?
What do I want? A BF? Love? WIll that make me happy? No...
B4, I have said; No, not Success, that would't make me 'happy', but finding my peace and balance WOULD make me 'happy'... but now, I'm not so sure.
To MAKE myself 'happy'; 'happy' with myself,.. as if I had nothing else to be 'happy' with/about, and must LEARN to cope, deal, and BE 'happy' with what I have. To settle?
Which for some reason, lead me back to think, YES, success would make me 'happy'. To be good, do well, excel and be recognized for it would make me 'happy'? OR does it all come back to love? NO, because I wouldn't be ready for it. Ready for someone to love me, for me to love, cause I'm not 'happy' in the first place and shouldn't depend/rely on others for 'happiness'. OR should I?
Maybe I thought of all this because I didn't consider some other factor in finding peace and balance that wouldn't be 'settling'. To change what one realistically CAN change, and accept those thing which you can't change!!!!
But as far as being 'happy',.... What WILL make me 'happy?' To 'fit' in, to belong, to feel needed?
OR to forget!! My 'AMNESIA' fantasy could be a solution. Maybe I'll forget all about my neurosis, insecurities, identity issues. Would I forget that I was Gay? Or Asian? Would there be more clearity, focus or 'true' direction? or Selective Memory?
Read my 'Green' journal for more fantasy solutions (04-18-02)
Another way to forget is by being 'happy!!!' Being happy makes/helps me to forget, but that's a perplexity; a paradox. Which one comes first? 'happiness' or forgetting? But even then, it's only temporary. Infact, when I'm 'happy', I feel in control. When I'm not my neurosis takes over and I organize and obcess(lists, collections, magazines, articles, clothes, stuff on the computer, information, etc.); trying to 'control' something, to make me feel more in control of anything. Though it's my 'neurosis' that controls me. I am it's slave. It's all temporary though. 'They' are all just 'extensions of me; my insecurities,.... perhaps the BRAIN is enough and I should rely in that?! Trust in ME. That I won't forget or ?? So I can 'let go' of the 'neurosis' (collecting, organizing and shite).
What I need to learn is to 'let go' and 'live.' Let go to live. It's ok to let go of the 'neurosis' and work on NOW and the Future. To go out, and not be anti-social. I AM INFP Anthony. To 'let go' and be 'free;' to 'leave' if I want to , to go outside, and not feel trapped, and totured at times. Just 'let go' to 'become', to progress and not be held back mentally and physically (baggage).
Simplify, consolidate those 'extensions' so I won't be so dependant on them.....
K.C. Randall Rick has been sent in to supervise Carl as a guide and coucil to his 'neurosis'. Carl must be strong and listen to K.C. and work together to not let ............Hopefully it'll all work out.
Which all leads to why I'm so confused about what I'm doing this summer, what I want to WORK on,..... me or making money?? A big part of me just wants to be left alone,... and limit my involvement with people, and work on this,....
L8r, I have unfinished business to attend to,...... before I check out...!!!!!!!
p.s.- death "is a funny thing indeed. ... And more often than not, less an end than a bold new beginning. ... The start of something new. The first step on a finer path. Across the web of creation. Like a spider towing the dragline." ... transformation ...
- Christine Trelane after Doselle Young's The Monarchy: book 12 "Reweaving"
I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS COMIC!!!! Read it damn you. I'm sick of no one taking my recommendations!! YOU, damn it, yes YOU!!!! Read it!! It's
Fuk'n brill!!!
Extra- I red the bible last night
One's personal connection with God, is your connection with yourself (you are your own God?)
If there is a God, how come we have to be taught to know that ther eis one? One can believe in anything if one were raised, taught to believe that it's truth OR if one lived in an environment that seems to blindly accept it as truth without question. Kinda like people believing in something 'wrong' for centuries or even generations because it was a commonly known thing, just because,.. no one thought to question it or to leave others to find out for themselves 'naturally' what is and what isn't 'the' 'truth' without influence.
KEY WORDS:
'LET GO'
'TRUST'
"UNLEARN"
See yourself from your self-ideal's point of view, as if you were looking on someone else (like when you see a movie, and in your mind you know what you WOULD do as that character or what that character SHOULD do,... but it's you.
Fuc the schedule. Phuck the online journal. It's over. Carl Li is done. Kil Carl!!!!
I'm really fuk'd up this week!! I missed the LAST RA meeting of the year,.. missed MY OWN LAST FLOOR MEETING!!!! AND, .... I GOT THREE PARKING TICKETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Arghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
[Depression VS. Happiness => Love? VS Success VS Inner Peace & Balance]
Why am I depressed? Sad?
What do I want? A BF? Love? WIll that make me happy? No...
B4, I have said; No, not Success, that would't make me 'happy', but finding my peace and balance WOULD make me 'happy'... but now, I'm not so sure.
To MAKE myself 'happy'; 'happy' with myself,.. as if I had nothing else to be 'happy' with/about, and must LEARN to cope, deal, and BE 'happy' with what I have. To settle?
Which for some reason, lead me back to think, YES, success would make me 'happy'. To be good, do well, excel and be recognized for it would make me 'happy'? OR does it all come back to love? NO, because I wouldn't be ready for it. Ready for someone to love me, for me to love, cause I'm not 'happy' in the first place and shouldn't depend/rely on others for 'happiness'. OR should I?
Maybe I thought of all this because I didn't consider some other factor in finding peace and balance that wouldn't be 'settling'. To change what one realistically CAN change, and accept those thing which you can't change!!!!
But as far as being 'happy',.... What WILL make me 'happy?' To 'fit' in, to belong, to feel needed?
OR to forget!! My 'AMNESIA' fantasy could be a solution. Maybe I'll forget all about my neurosis, insecurities, identity issues. Would I forget that I was Gay? Or Asian? Would there be more clearity, focus or 'true' direction? or Selective Memory?
Read my 'Green' journal for more fantasy solutions (04-18-02)
Another way to forget is by being 'happy!!!' Being happy makes/helps me to forget, but that's a perplexity; a paradox. Which one comes first? 'happiness' or forgetting? But even then, it's only temporary. Infact, when I'm 'happy', I feel in control. When I'm not my neurosis takes over and I organize and obcess(lists, collections, magazines, articles, clothes, stuff on the computer, information, etc.); trying to 'control' something, to make me feel more in control of anything. Though it's my 'neurosis' that controls me. I am it's slave. It's all temporary though. 'They' are all just 'extensions of me; my insecurities,.... perhaps the BRAIN is enough and I should rely in that?! Trust in ME. That I won't forget or ?? So I can 'let go' of the 'neurosis' (collecting, organizing and shite).
What I need to learn is to 'let go' and 'live.' Let go to live. It's ok to let go of the 'neurosis' and work on NOW and the Future. To go out, and not be anti-social. I AM INFP Anthony. To 'let go' and be 'free;' to 'leave' if I want to , to go outside, and not feel trapped, and totured at times. Just 'let go' to 'become', to progress and not be held back mentally and physically (baggage).
Simplify, consolidate those 'extensions' so I won't be so dependant on them.....
K.C. Randall Rick has been sent in to supervise Carl as a guide and coucil to his 'neurosis'. Carl must be strong and listen to K.C. and work together to not let ............Hopefully it'll all work out.
Which all leads to why I'm so confused about what I'm doing this summer, what I want to WORK on,..... me or making money?? A big part of me just wants to be left alone,... and limit my involvement with people, and work on this,....
L8r, I have unfinished business to attend to,...... before I check out...!!!!!!!
p.s.- death "is a funny thing indeed. ... And more often than not, less an end than a bold new beginning. ... The start of something new. The first step on a finer path. Across the web of creation. Like a spider towing the dragline." ... transformation ...
- Christine Trelane after Doselle Young's The Monarchy: book 12 "Reweaving"
I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS COMIC!!!! Read it damn you. I'm sick of no one taking my recommendations!! YOU, damn it, yes YOU!!!! Read it!! It's
Fuk'n brill!!!
Extra- I red the bible last night
One's personal connection with God, is your connection with yourself (you are your own God?)
If there is a God, how come we have to be taught to know that ther eis one? One can believe in anything if one were raised, taught to believe that it's truth OR if one lived in an environment that seems to blindly accept it as truth without question. Kinda like people believing in something 'wrong' for centuries or even generations because it was a commonly known thing, just because,.. no one thought to question it or to leave others to find out for themselves 'naturally' what is and what isn't 'the' 'truth' without influence.
KEY WORDS:
'LET GO'
'TRUST'
"UNLEARN"
See yourself from your self-ideal's point of view, as if you were looking on someone else (like when you see a movie, and in your mind you know what you WOULD do as that character or what that character SHOULD do,... but it's you.
posted by Carl at
8:35:00 PM
Jodie FosterMichelle Pf.Chloe Sevegny(sp)Julia Stiles
Reese Witherspoonshite stop me, I can't stopp . no no no,... it's not finished,... stop stop,.......
