[THE END?]

Fuc the schedule. Phuck the online journal. It's over. Carl Li is done. Kil Carl!!!!

I'm really fuk'd up this week!! I missed the LAST RA meeting of the year,.. missed MY OWN LAST FLOOR MEETING!!!! AND, .... I GOT THREE PARKING TICKETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Arghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

[Depression VS. Happiness => Love? VS Success VS Inner Peace & Balance]

Why am I depressed? Sad?

What do I want? A BF? Love? WIll that make me happy? No...

B4, I have said; No, not Success, that would't make me 'happy', but finding my peace and balance WOULD make me 'happy'... but now, I'm not so sure.

To MAKE myself 'happy'; 'happy' with myself,.. as if I had nothing else to be 'happy' with/about, and must LEARN to cope, deal, and BE 'happy' with what I have. To settle?

Which for some reason, lead me back to think, YES, success would make me 'happy'. To be good, do well, excel and be recognized for it would make me 'happy'? OR does it all come back to love? NO, because I wouldn't be ready for it. Ready for someone to love me, for me to love, cause I'm not 'happy' in the first place and shouldn't depend/rely on others for 'happiness'. OR should I?

Maybe I thought of all this because I didn't consider some other factor in finding peace and balance that wouldn't be 'settling'. To change what one realistically CAN change, and accept those thing which you can't change!!!!

But as far as being 'happy',.... What WILL make me 'happy?' To 'fit' in, to belong, to feel needed?

OR to forget!! My 'AMNESIA' fantasy could be a solution. Maybe I'll forget all about my neurosis, insecurities, identity issues. Would I forget that I was Gay? Or Asian? Would there be more clearity, focus or 'true' direction? or Selective Memory?

Read my 'Green' journal for more fantasy solutions (04-18-02)

Another way to forget is by being 'happy!!!' Being happy makes/helps me to forget, but that's a perplexity; a paradox. Which one comes first? 'happiness' or forgetting? But even then, it's only temporary. Infact, when I'm 'happy', I feel in control. When I'm not my neurosis takes over and I organize and obcess(lists, collections, magazines, articles, clothes, stuff on the computer, information, etc.); trying to 'control' something, to make me feel more in control of anything. Though it's my 'neurosis' that controls me. I am it's slave. It's all temporary though. 'They' are all just 'extensions of me; my insecurities,.... perhaps the BRAIN is enough and I should rely in that?! Trust in ME. That I won't forget or ?? So I can 'let go' of the 'neurosis' (collecting, organizing and shite).

What I need to learn is to 'let go' and 'live.' Let go to live. It's ok to let go of the 'neurosis' and work on NOW and the Future. To go out, and not be anti-social. I AM INFP Anthony. To 'let go' and be 'free;' to 'leave' if I want to , to go outside, and not feel trapped, and totured at times. Just 'let go' to 'become', to progress and not be held back mentally and physically (baggage).

Simplify, consolidate those 'extensions' so I won't be so dependant on them.....

K.C. Randall Rick has been sent in to supervise Carl as a guide and coucil to his 'neurosis'. Carl must be strong and listen to K.C. and work together to not let ............Hopefully it'll all work out.

Which all leads to why I'm so confused about what I'm doing this summer, what I want to WORK on,..... me or making money?? A big part of me just wants to be left alone,... and limit my involvement with people, and work on this,....

L8r, I have unfinished business to attend to,...... before I check out...!!!!!!!

p.s.- death "is a funny thing indeed. ... And more often than not, less an end than a bold new beginning. ... The start of something new. The first step on a finer path. Across the web of creation. Like a spider towing the dragline." ... transformation ...

- Christine Trelane after Doselle Young's The Monarchy: book 12 "Reweaving"

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS COMIC!!!! Read it damn you. I'm sick of no one taking my recommendations!! YOU, damn it, yes YOU!!!! Read it!! It's
Fuk'n brill!!!

Extra- I red the bible last night

One's personal connection with God, is your connection with yourself (you are your own God?)

If there is a God, how come we have to be taught to know that ther eis one? One can believe in anything if one were raised, taught to believe that it's truth OR if one lived in an environment that seems to blindly accept it as truth without question. Kinda like people believing in something 'wrong' for centuries or even generations because it was a commonly known thing, just because,.. no one thought to question it or to leave others to find out for themselves 'naturally' what is and what isn't 'the' 'truth' without influence.

KEY WORDS:

'LET GO'

'TRUST'

"UNLEARN"

See yourself from your self-ideal's point of view, as if you were looking on someone else (like when you see a movie, and in your mind you know what you WOULD do as that character or what that character SHOULD do,... but it's you.

[Tuesday Schedule:]

- Class at 9:30, doing my dream presentation
- Lunch/Rehearsal with Ben and Lisa?
- Theater History 2
- Freshman Acting scenes/Rehearsal??
- 4-6 Free food at the WRAPP picnic!!
- 6PM Miss acting 'Convocation?' I don't wanna, but,.... I have to go to my,...
Math Class Review/hand in extra credit so I can hopefully pass class
Race to meet fellow RA staff/HD for pizza get together (6:15)
- SLEEP?!?! (NO MORE CLASSES!!!!!!!!!)

[RANT:]

Sunday, I stayed up till 6AM workin on my Theater History Final, and last night,.... well, that's now. I just finished it at 4:15. YAY!! Happiness. I only have my acting finals and Math Final!

YAY!!!! No more classes after today!!!!!!!!!!!

["QUESTIONs in a world of blue":]

1. Should I take a class this summer?
2. What kinda job should I get?
3. Should I get my haircut?
4. Should I go to some Mother's Day luncheon?
5. Should I go out with Anthony and Ronnie on Friday night?
SHOULD I HAVE 2 JOURNALS, ONE FOR MY SCHEDULES AND RANTS, and ANOTHER FROM CHECK THIS OUT KINDA MEDIA/ENTERTAINMENT COMCS and MOVIEs STUFF?

[CHECK THIS OUT:]

COMICS NEWS was sent today if you're a subscriber to KCRRLives!
Featuring 'Comics to Film,' Kevin Smith, 'Black Superheroes' and Marvel,.. (poops). I will also send the COMICS NEWS from my journal entry on 4/29/2002!!

A site on QUEER THEORY!!

'http://www.freebaran.org/'

'GAY UCONN'

[Links to WHAT I'M READING:]

'POST-MODERNISM'

Henry Louis Gates Jr. "Backlash"
Here's an excerpt:
"All prejudices are not equal. But that doesn't mean there's no comparison between the predicaments of gays and blacks."

"Queer Theory" by Annamarie Jagose

["MAKE 'EM SAY, UGH, DE NA NANA!"]

Russell CroweColin Farrell

Tobey Maguire

Edward Norton


Chris O'Donnell
Woody H.>

NEUROSIS TAAAAAAKKINNNNN OOOOVEEEERRRRRR.............

Fiona ApplePatricia ArquetteDrew BarrymoreClaire DanesC. DiazJodie FosterMichelle Pf.Chloe Sevegny(sp)Julia StilesReese Witherspoonshite stop me, I can't stopp . no no no,... it's not finished,... stop stop,.......

THAT's IT, I'M STARTING A NEW JOURNAL JUST FOR SHITE LIKE THIS CALLED,.. "KCRRLives: THE LIST a.k.a. I CAN'T HELP MESELF"!!!!

[EMAIL ME:]

kcrr4@hotmail.com

[Monday:]

- Rehearsal @ 12 with Ben
- Acting Class at 1 (I think my 3PM Math class is canceled!!! Whooo hoo)
- 5PM AsACC Senior/Recog Banquet at South Ballroom!!
- Finish my Theatre History 2 Take Home Final! Poop

[RANT:]

Ugh, I was up past 6AM working on my darn Theatre History 2 Take Home Final, and it's still not done.
Darn it, still can't find that darn Libery book.... I ain't gonna pay, `$90 no way!!! I hope Willie finds it.

Spiderman was good, the fight scenes were excellent. My only complaint was the dialogue at some times was very very sappy and I kept waiting for the punchline like it was going to be a joke. I waited and waited. I couldn't even understand or listen to what they were saying at some points it was so bad, but the punchline NEVER came.. oh, and were you lucky enough to see the 'Smashing Green' Teaser??

Ooooo ooo, I got a total of 17 free comics on Free Comics Day!!!!!! WHooo hoo and I finally got the Wizard 129, so I can see the preview for Stormwatch: Team Archilles!! Awesome!

[CHECK THIS OUT:]

GAY LEAGUE OF AMERICA (there are 3 diff links, including this one!)
The definitive comics site for GLBT fans is relaunched with exclusive new content, interviews and features.

Revitalized gayleague.com to open to the public May 15, 2002, but site preview available to press now: http://www.gayleague.com/home.php
www.gayleague.com, May 3, 2002: May 15 is relaunch day for www.gayleague.com, the home on the web for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender comics fans. The reinvented site features interviews and content that cannot be found anywhere else from top names in the comics industry, including Phil Jimenez, Steven Sadowski, Devin Grayson, Jose Villarubia, Andy Mangels and more. The site serves as a compendium of information detailing the history of GLBT involvement in comics, among both the characters and the creators.

“Who knew?” wonders Joe Palmer, the site’s webmaster. “Who knew that a small group of fans that met on the internet would grow into something this fantastic?” The site has its origins in the early DC message boards and chat rooms as hosted by AOL. It was there that a few regular members noticed one another and began to correspond outside the realm of AOL and eventually conceived the first Gay League site in 1998.

From corresponding friends to a network across the United States, Europe, Asia, and Australia, the Gay League has received more than 100,000 unique hits to its website. In it’s new incarnation, which will continue to evolve with new features and content, Palmer asserts the site is becoming “what it always should have been” – a true home for the GLBT comics community.

A preview site is available to the press now: http://www.gayleague.com/home.php

For Release 12 a.m. EDT, May 15, 2002

Red Public Relations Communications

[WILDCATS VERSION 3]

WeekEND Schedule:

Friday:

10AM I volunteered to get up early to interview a Hall Director Candidate!! Whooo hoo good for me!

12 Noon Scene Rehearsal with Lisa K.

No acting classes today because 'Sazuki' is HERE,.. the man himself, who developed the training that UCONN actors go thru. He's only visiting 3 other schools,.. Yale, Harvard and Columbia!!!! So I'm a goin to his workshop at 1-3

Then I'm off to ????? It's Kyle's B-Day weekend,... so Spiderman mayhaps? Or will I be homo-alono. If so, will I go to see Measure for Measure, or Throes? (2 oncampus productions I have to see, that end this weekend) OR, go see 'Brotherhood of the Wolf' at Cinestudio @ 9:30?

OR,.. if I don't do the Kyle thing today,... then STUDY LIKE I SAID I SHOULD!!!!!!! Finals ARE here!!!

Saturday:

Return a Libery Book

FREE COMICBOOK DAY!!!!!! GO to the comic store!!!

Kyle's B-Day,... MYSTIC???? I have no clue.

Hey, you know it's NoHo Pride this weekend?

If I don't go,... do I go to see 'Throes' at 2PM?

Whateva I do,.. be back at UCONN by 6ish to run my RA Program!! It's a dance program. I found someone to come in and teach line dancing!!! Fun! I hope. Anyhow,.. I'm not sure when I'll get outta that. I may, or may not wanna come out after,.. since I'm on the ball in studyin and all.

Sunday:

My day to FINISH my take home final,.. or start it, if I've been bad!!!!!!!!

A.Q.U.A. Picnic???

2PM I plan on seeing Measure for Measure, if I haven't yet. Anyone wanna come? Though,.. I may not be able to hang.

Do other things like: Put up my MAY bulletin board!!!!!!

STUDY!!!!!!

RANT:

K'@ & Gen'E (um, incase you don't know,.. these are code names,...he he) um,.. was his name,.. Dave??? (melting,... ) Smiles :-) he he. I was Soooooooo self concious and you guys told me I sounded like a 13 y/o girl, how embarrassing,... ha ha

Damn Libery says I owe them another book. I really hope not. It was lots of trouble to deal with the other one. If they or I don't find it,.. I'll owe them $95!!!

IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME HERE,.. and YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE. IT'S POSSIBLE THAT I'VE MENTIONED YOU OR PUT UP SOME LINKS IN TO YOUR INTEREST ON YOUR BEHALF!!! sO gO SCROLL DOWN AND LOOK AT THE ARCHIEVES,.. OTHERWISE, TALK TO ME ABOUT IT AND I'LL TELL YOU WHAT TO LOOK FOR!!!!!!!!! (ANT'NY, KEI-MAHNN, LIAM, JAESON AND BOUKIEIN PARTICULAR!!)

UCONN SPRING WEEKEND:

It was very entertaining,.. when I wasn't on duty that is.

X Lot,.. wow, it was like Woodstock,..... um,.. no, but in a sence that there were drunk people everywhere, and girls flashing thier titties!! That made my night,.. I love them titties you know!! I was holla'n!!!

N'y way, before I offend people,.. also, two of my male friends where kissing out there, and apparently, the cops told them to stop,.. "to take your political statement somewhere else" and people were yellin 'fag.' So who were they protecting??

HEY, in an earlier entry I wrote something about The Monarchy and never said that I had posted that at a Message Board. Well, here it is again, with a response from the writer!!!!!!!!

THE MONARCHY forum of DC/WILDSTORM Comics Message Boards.

kcrr4 posted April 30, 2002 11:44 PM

I just sat down and read iss. 1-9 of the Establishment. I REALLY enjoyed it. I hope the rumors aren't true about it ending after iss. 13.
After I read The Est. I dug out my Monarchy, after I had tried to read it back when it first came out. Originally, I didn't like it so much, it was hard to read, and blah blah.. ha ha. Then I heard it was ending and I picked up all the issues. NOW, I'm rereading the issues I had originally read, iss. 1-3, AND for some reason,. it felt like a whole new book. For some reason I had no problem reading it, and if anything, it was a challenge. Doselle's totally speaking to me with his concepts. I am so feeling it, that I had to write about it and take notes in my journal and post right away!! I couldn't put it down. It's writing like this that inspires me to write. I love it. I haven't read it to the end yet, but I'm confident that it is complete even if the Monarchy doesn't return. Then again, I'm also sure it opens new doors for more,.......

That said, is there any reason to believe that the Monarchy will be returning??????

Doselle Young posted May 02, 2002 02:38 AM

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by kcrr4:

After I read The Est. I dug out my Monarchy, after I had tried to read it back when it first came out. Originally, I didn't like it so much, it was hard to read, and blah blah.. ha ha. Then I heard it was ending and I picked up all the issues. NOW, I'm rereading the issues I had originally read, iss. 1-3, AND for some reason,. it felt like a whole new book. For some reason I had no problem reading it, and if anything, it was a challenge. Doselle's totally speaking to me with his concepts. I am so feeling it, that I had to write about it and take notes in my journal and post right away!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Glad you did post away, kcrr4. It's great to hear that you gave the Monarchy a 2nd try and that, this time around, it satisfied. Will it be back? Perhaps if more readers, like you, rediscover it. Never say never.

In any case, thanks a lot for posting such enthuiastic praise. It really made my day."

CHECK THIS OUT:

Universe #7 by TOP COW has a Battle of the Planets Preview in it!!!!!

HIP FLASK: UNNATURAL SELECTION, THE ORIGIN OF HIP FLASK
serves as prologue to the forthcoming mini-series HIP FLASK: THE BIG HERE & THE LONG NOW which premieres next spring.

BORN GAY VS CHOICE article by Paula Martinac from gay.com sent in TODAY'S KCRRLIVES EMAILER!!!!

THE CRANBERRIES Celebrate 10th Anniversary With Release Of "Treasure Box" CD Boxed Set May 14.

(I'M GOIN TO SEE THEM ON MAY 16th!!!!! Oakdale)

"Wake Up and Smell The Coffee" Tour Kicks Off May 13

New Single and Video For "This Is The Day"

On April 14, in celebration of their 10th anniversary since releasing their debut album, Irish rock band The Cranberries will release Treasure Box: The
Complete Sessions 1991-1999 (Universal Music Enterprises/Island).

Featuring full digitally re-mastered versions of the original first four albums; Everybody Else Is Doing It, So Why Can't We?, No Need to Argue, To
the Faithful Departed and Bury the Hatchet, Treasure Box contains redesigned artwork for each album, plus 21 bonus tracks containing studio B-side
recordings, and two recordings featured several compilation releases - The Fleetwood Mac Tribute Album "Go Your Own Way", Film - Devil's Own - "God Be With You".

(MORE ON CRANBERRIES SENT IN TODAY'S KCRRLIVES LISTSERV?!?!)

LINKS: (ALSO SENT WITH TODAY'S KCRRLives E-MAIL GROUP!)

Join the WILDSTORM list group

Art Crimes

Dead is Better

Steve Niles huh??

Comics on the Web

Cool Beans World

OH, I funking get it,.. so this won't work on MY computer, but it will work on some other friggin computer! Punk ass shite!

If you don't know what's i'm talking about, I'm talking about this shite funking up and me not able to post here and having to transfer ALL my entries onto my webpage. And it looks like asscreek there cause I don't know how to do HTML!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that I KNOW it works, but just NOT on my computer,. I'll work on transfering files back or whateva

This means, I have some organizing to do, so this might not look the way it's supposed to,............ I'll holla back!

QUESTIONS:
HOmo,.. where does this word come from, and what does it mean in re: Homosapien, Homoerectous(sp), and Homosexual?

THINKING OUT LOUD:

Give me someone to fuck
I don't want to fuck you
or you, or you
I want to love
you

RANT Addendumb:

OH DOUBLE HOLY FUNKYSHITEKNITFUKCER!!!!!!!!! I have to republish everything today because the BLOGGER CLOGGED on me!!!!!!! MoFO!!!!
Error 104:java.lang.NullPointerException (server:leap)[more info]

A new Blogg didn¡¯t work,. So now I¡¯m tryin a NEW SIGN IN NAME!!!!! THAT STILL DON¡¯T WORK,¡¦¡¦.. so I guess this is the last update till I figure it out!!!!

Damn, I was hoping to study this weekend, but so much is goin on. Kyle's B-Day, Spiderman, and NoHo Pride,. Damnshitefukc!

Look out for an interview of John in the Advocate!!!!! Tell you more when I know which one it is.

Schedule Addendumb:

Shite, I forgot to go to my RA meeting,..¡¦¡¦¡¦¡¦¡¦¡¦¡¦¡¦ POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!

Add to schedule: work on dumbass funknut journal page!

WEDNESDAY Schedule:

Class at 1,... rehearsal before?
Math class at 3-4
Rehearsal??
Go get $$ for COMICS!!!!!!!!
Other to do shite,.....
6PM Safe Zones Training/Pizza
??? Study?

RANT:

I need the new Wizard, and a job that I want to do. Should I take a class this summer? I need advice.

THE MONARCHY: Brilliant, sleeper hit man!!!!!!
After I read The Est. I dug out my Monarchy, after I had tried to read it back when it first came out. Originally, I didn't like it so much, it was hard to read, and blah blah.. ha ha. Then I heard it was ending and I picked up all the issues. NOW, I'm rereading the issues I had originally read, iss. 1-3, AND for some reason,. it felt like a whole new book. For some reason I had no problem reading it, and if anything, it was a challenge. Doselle's totally speaking to me with his concepts. I am so feeling it, that I had to write about it and take notes in my journal and post right away!! I couldn't put it down. It's writing like this that inspires me to write. I love it. I haven't read it to the end yet, but I'm confident that it is complete even if the Monarchy doesn't return. Then again, I'm also sure it opens new doors for more,.......


That said, is there any reason to believe that the Monarchy will be returning??????

THE ESTABLISHMENT
I just sat down and read iss. 1-9 of the Establishment. I REALLY enjoyed it. I hope the rumors aren't true about it ending after iss. 13.

Tuesday Schedule PLUS:

Class at 10
Eat Mexican left overs
Supposed to meet to rehearse at 12,.. nope.
Fall asleep and fail Theatre History Quiz
Home,. and stress about stuff I have to do, including dealing with whether or not I'm gonna pay $1400+ this summer to live here and take ONE class,.. or just live here and look for a job!?!??!?!
MORE of the same,... I have to do my MAY BULLETIN BOARD, and a Closing Meeting Flyer!!!!
Psuedo Dinner Date at 5:45 with Mark.
I need to see Measure For Measure maybe tonight?

RANT:

I need the new Wizard! It has the new Stormwatch: Team Achilles preview in it!!!!!

CHECK THIS OUT:

Cause the link in a previous entry did NOT work,.... here is THE PIC again, of the NEW JIM LEE BATMAN!!!!!!!!! Oh my goodness, I'm creaming in my pants!!!!!!!!!

[Monday Schedule:]

- Class at 1
- Errands
- Compu Lab
- Dinner
- Duty at 7:30 in the mailroom till 10, then rounds and the rest of the night in my room.

[RANT:]

I think my computer may be infected, don't know,. anyhow, I'm using it less and not keeping it ONLINE as much, SO, I"m using Computer Lab Computers,... this may also mean I will not be updating as much,.. ESP. since Finals are here, and I'm also looking for Housing and A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- I'm afraid to meet anyone I lik; esp. if it's not Mr. Right, because he's NOT Mr. Right??? But, Mr. Good, and maybe even REALLY GOOD? Then again, I'm afraid to meet Mr. Right too,....

But is it really fear? What am I afraid of? Is it because I'm not ready to 'care' for him,.. for the relationship; nurture it the way it should, the way I'd want to, because I'm still learning to 'care' and nurture for myself!?!!

[CHECK THIS OUT:]

COMICS NEWS from ALL THE RAGE Tuesday, April 30

I WILL ALSO SEND THE FULL STORIES in KCRRLives!

"Black Panther is to be relaunched after #50, written by Priest and drawn by Dan Fraga"

"Batman looks very much like a ticket back to super-star prominence for Jim Lee. The size of the queue in Artists’ Alley at Wondercon only stretched out of the door when Lee was doing sketches."

Generating Confidence

At Wondercon, Ale Garza was asked how the new Gen 13 series is going. Ale replied that the fan reaction to his Gen 13 would make Campbell's debut a memory. Nothing like self-confidence! Ale Garza was also showing off artwork for upcoming issues of Gen 13, depicting popular character Grunge as Midnighter’s sex slave. We can’t wait. . . .

SUNDAY SCHEDULE:

Lunch with Mommy,....
Study
Comics
Movie?
Measure for Measure?

RANT:
Oh, I'm gettin sick. My throat's been hurtin. Damn. My lunch with my Mommy and cousin sucked ass. There was like a load of MSG or something in the food, and I was in PAIN!!!! Man I wanted to die,. I had to leave. I didn't even eat anything. Sucked! My mom and cousin were feelin it too, but not as bad as me,.. man, it was the worst it's EVA been. MAN!!! Now I"m hungry,... and I doggy-bagged the food. Better wash it out or something first before I eat it.

Getting shite together: healthy mind body and spirit. Peace and balance. Security and Stability.

Maybe not OCD but Neurosis?? That tortures and ensloves me? Speakin of Neurosis, I just met someone who Carol used to know from Middletown,. crazy huh.

Lets talk ~ YES YOU!

CV,KC,JR, and who else,... KR,.. JG???

CV! I wasn't in my room last night even though it 'seemed' otherwise. I like to leave my computer on while I'm away. Oh,...... I am a mess. Yes, I am STILL a mess, but atleast I know what to do now I think. One thing not to do is to involve myself with anyone, in THAT way,.... yea, that just complicates the shite outta things. I need to be alone, meaning just me to deal with (yes it's selfish, but It's what I need) otherwise 'good people' is nice also and hopefully that won't stop us all from knowing eachother at some capacity...

Notice I say 'good people' and not friends. Cause I don't want to make that distinction.

CHECK THIS OUT:

MOre Old SChool C.A.T.s


Oh, Another of my fav Old SChool Stormwatch pics:

SATURDAY Schedule:

Get up late hopefully
Eat Brunch
Move my Car (it's Spring Weekend at UCONN)
Read Comics
Study
Hang Out
Watch a Movie?
X lot baby, drunk guys and girls flashing thier titts, what more can you want,...
Chat with Kevin,....... he he

RANT:
Just been reminicing(sp) about the past with a friend,............ IT's SO DEPRESSING!!!!!!!
She was telling me how she and most people saw me back then: depressed, loner, dark, and that I was gonna off myself!!!!!!!! Can you believe it? I couldn't?? I didn't think I was like that,...... I remember being lonely and dancing alone at parties, but I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to fit in.

Shite, and thinking back,... I was REALLY depressed. I hated high school. And was very alone. I WAS dark and angry, and I look at myself now and I feel like I'm not much different today and that REALLY depresses me. It's no wonder I did so bad in high school, never really finished anything, or why I fail and dissappoint myself and others. Yes I have much more knowledge and 'skills' at my disposal, and I've learned to accept myself more and empower myself, but at the core,.. it's still the same. I'm lost, alone and angry,...lol. And yeah, depressed. Cause I've still haven't found peace and balance in my life. Sure I've been able to evolve in a sense,.. but the essence is still the same. I'm strong and confident because of my past, but underneath is still the same old me.

I suppose that's one big reason why the Military wasn't good for me. It really did put me back in the closet, in the whole 'high school' mind set, atmosphere and socially,.. in a way it's nice and kinda nostagic, to be considered straight, and kinda just trying to fit in, I kinda liked it???? Then again, I did go out to the gay bars on the weekends while I was in,..... whatever.

What changes anything? Do we always need outside stimuli, or something to force us into change? Can we not just change ourselves? Or is it that we just don't know how?? Shite,... I feel like I'm trying everyday. It's a struggle,.. torture, which only goes away when I forget. When I'm 'happy', which is temporarily enduced by little things like comics and movies,.. or 'Good company.'

Being straight seems to be easier. Though there are gay guys who seem to just have it so easy and then there are guys who just have it worse I guess. And I guess it's the same anywhere no matter who you are,....... argh!!!!!! Yea,.. so life is good and life sucks and life is good. It's just a cycle,... can we break outta that cycle into some stability? Some security? Does anyone REALLY even have it? Who are these people? Do I know any?

Do we only meet others who are like ourselves? Therefore, I need to CHANGE for the 'better' (myself more stable, peaceful, secure, accepting and balanced) enorder to meet the same?

Maybe.

I just saw Hedwig again last night. What a great story. I think at the end (refering back to 'The Origin of Love;' he finally found his other half. Not someone else, but Himself. And he was whole. Reborn. And now ready to meet that other 'whole' person out there. He did this by letting go of his past, and he found redemption, and peace, clearity, closure and acceptance?

WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?

CHECK THIS OUT:
If you're not reading X-Force now, you should be!!!!!!
Click on Image for link to Michael Allred's site!!!!!!!!!

Friday ADDENDUM (sp),... today's schedule below

OH my, look at this. I was right. I mean I suggested that Brett Booth would be perfect for a Thundercats comic,...... and look what I found!!!! CLICK ON TEXT!!!!

TODAY's SCHEDULE:

Rehearsal at 12Noon
Then Acting Class at 1
Then Math Class at 3
Then Rehearsal with Ben at 4:15
Then ??? Dinner
Then 7PM Meet in Branford Lounge (Grad Dorms) to go to see Hedwig at Von der Mehden Ricital Hall at UCONN!

The show is at 7:30, but I'm having people meet me to go together. Students or people who come with me $4 others $5,

Then hang out with Becky and Amy,... AMY, yeah, she's commin up!!!! Whoo hoooo!!! Oh, I gotta tell KIM!!!!!!!

RANT:

SOrry that I went nuts yesterday with the pix and links. I don't know how many hours I spent!!! Oh and if you notice that the text goes OFF the page and you have to scroll RIGHT to read,. SORRY,..... it because in my previous journal entry I tried to save you from having to scroll DOWN too much, so I put a bunch of pictures side by side, but that made it WIDE,....... so tell me which you prefer. It's probably easier to scroll down than to the right,..... RIGHT??? Well TELL ME!!!!!! (if you have no idea what I'm talking about, then perhaps I've already gone and fixed it?!)

ALSO,... can you those of you on the 'KCRRLives' Subcription please do a shout out so i know who's gettin my emails??? Do you guys even know you're getting them? Is it going to your junk mail. Cause I'm surprised alot of you guys don't reply. Esp. peeps I haven't see/talked to in a long while.

For most of you on the list, I've also changed your subscription to 'Daily Digest',.. meaning you'll get any given emails from KCRRLives for a day in ONLY ONE email. Though no one ever emails and I rarely even do a email a day,.... whatever!

CHECK THIS OUT:

Right now I have nothing for this section,.. so just go to my DAMN WEBSITE and 'CHECKIT OUT' , and MY PREVIOUS JOURNAL ENTRIES!!!!!

TEST TO SEE IF I CAN HAVE A PIC WITH A LINK ON MY EMAILER (if it works, you'll see a CLASSIC Gen 13 image that's LINKed to my SITE!!)

(THIS IS THE FIRST JOURNAL ENTRY FROM THE ONLINE JOURNAL SENT IN THE EMAIL)!!

THURSDAY:

Wake up,.. Class at 9AM

Break, Lunch with Kim,.. buy CD-Rs and possibly John's last X-Mas gift. Yes, you read correctly. Hey, I just got my sister and her boyfriend thier X-Mas present like a week or so ago (Moulin Rouge DVD!!!).

Then fall asleep in Theatre History 2 again.

Home, to study, work on the computer, dinner??

A.Q.U.A.? at 8:30

Spring Break Duty from 10PM to 1AM

RANT:

Oh, what a pleasant surprise when I came home today. There was a beautiful Sunflower by my door with a note. It's huge and very beautiful. Thank you Sharmeen. It was very thoughtful. Thank you.

I still have to get my sister her B-Day present. It was in February,... ha ha ha........ OH, it's also almost Mother's Day!!!!!

TELL ME IF YOU DON'T like that it scrolls over to the right!!! If you don't know what I mean, maybe I've already fixed the problem, otherwise, scroll down and you will see why,.. I put a bunch of pics side by side so you don't have to scroll DOWN so much, but now you have to scroll RIGHT to see it all. I can just have it all up and down too, sooooooo HOLLA BACK YOUNG'N!!!!!!!!

CHECK THIS OUT:

X-TINA: 'I love taking chances!'
Click on the text above to find out info on her new album and see new pics at her website.

"I'm not trying to do as much vocal gymnastics. Before, to make up for the kind of music I didn't want to be doing, I would over-riff, to prove that I have talent. It was too much. For this record, everything's stripped down to the bare necessities."

Scream Therapy
"[Musician/producer] Linda Perry [formerly] of 4 Non Blondes taught me not to be scared of my voice. She'd say, 'You have to stop worrying about that technical stuff, the riffing and ad-libbing. Just let go and sing - whatever comes out' She's like, 'I hear something in you. You've got this repressed, darker side.' I think it's stuff from my past - my father and stuff. One of the new songs is more rock, and Linda got me singing/screaming for the chorus, 'I just want to get away!' It's about freedom. It's finding strength in myself."

Gut Check
"I'm a pretty petite girl. I have a fast metabolism, but my age has been kicking in this year, because all of the sudden I'm like, 'Where does this little stomach come from?' I feel it on my thighs too, so I'm getting a trainer. But not to lose anything, because I like being a little thicker."

Christina Vs. Britney?
"Presenting with Britney at the 2000 MTV Awards was my favorite part of that night. Because we were on the Mickey Mouse Club together, we used to be best friends - and it's so weird how our careers have taken us to these places where there's this supposed rivalry. But I understand it because everyone's always looking for something to talk about."

Hostile Makeover: Andrew and Aguilera disagreed only once. "She wanted me to cover up her freckles," he said, "but I think they're beautiful." (The diva won in the end.)

What a Girl Wants: Aguilera skipped the catered lunch - lentil soup, spinach ravioli, and roasted vegetables - and went for a fast food fix instead. For lunch it was a six-inch Subway turkey sandwich; for late afternoon snack, she had McDonald's Chicken McNuggets.

Sleeping Beauty: On the eve of the shoot, Aguilera went club hopping at Manhattan hot spots Lotus and Bowery Bar. Even her blaring Busta Rhymes CD couldn't sustain her night owl's energy - she dozed off during her manicure.


WILDSTORM!s new Mature Imprint, ">'EYE OF THE STORM':

Featuring The Authority (If you haven't heard or read this title,..... YOU NEED TO, NOW, and double goes for The PLANETARY!!!!!! BUDDY!!!!!)

CLICK on the "TITLE" for one FAN LINK,.. CLICK on the PICTURE for DIFFERENT FAN LINK!!!!!!

Automatic Kafka
Black Sun
Point Blank
Sleeper

STORMWATCH: TEAM ARCHILLES (YESYESYES, Wilice Portacio!)
OLD


NEW


WILDCATS VERSION 3.0!!!

VOLUME 1 WildC.A.T.s (Covert Action Teams)
VOLUME 2 WILDCATSVOLUME 3 WILDCATS Version 3.0IMAGE 01IMAGE 02

MORE PIX

Jay & Silent Bob (Kevin Smith is the man!!!!!!CLICK)
KABUKI by David Mack OLDBRILLIANT!!!
PROGRESSION
CURRENT KABUKI stuff is MORE ABSTRACT/MIXED MEDIA
HIS WORK ON DAREDEVIL

TELL ME IF YOU DON'T like that itscrolls over to the right!!! I can just have it all up and down too, sooooooo HOLLA BACK YOUNG'N!!!!!!!!

Wednesday:

Wake up & work out?

Class at 1-4

Comic store????

Then Eat??

Go to see the sneak preview for 'Life or Something Like It' at the Crown. I got a pass for 2 from my comic store... hmm, who should I bring??? A date perhaps?? Or not kinda date?

Argh,..... wait,.. I have a RA meeting at 6:45, how could I forget,.. hmm, what now,... we'll see.........

CHECK THIS OUT:

If you Haven't been reading Gen 13, NOW is the time to read it,.... start with Adam Warren's run, issue 60,.. stick with it, you'll see what I mean!!!!!



NOOOOooooooooo,.......WHY KEVIN SMITH AND JMS are goin to Marvel (Interview with Kevin Smith)
"Joe (Quesada) said that, like every idea Marvel has stolen from DC over the course of the last year or two, this was another good one, and he'd be implementing it and insisting that he and Bill Jemas invented it."

DAMNED IT!!!!!!! This is the second time I had to write this because it didn't work and erased everything,... POOOOOOOp

Tuesday:

Class as usual.

Rehearsal (skip lunch, eat hard boiled duck eggs, avoiding the one egg
I still have from before St. Patty's Day)

Fall asleep in Theatre History 2 class, then back home and stress
about whether or not I have a worm on my computer.

Fire Inspections@ 6:30 with a resident and then eat dinner with her and her
friends. They're cooking me a Philipino meal,... mmmm!!

Mommy's commin up, shite, should I cancel dinner to eat with her? Other people
seem to think so. She's commin up with Master Yi and her hubby to check out
the Fencing Team/Club at UConn. I may check it out myself (9PM)

Then: Hang, study, maybe John'll come over and read comics!!!!

RANT:
I just found out today I didn't get the job for Summer Confrence Housing, because they had already hired for all the positions, though they said that I'm at the top of the list of people to call if a position opens up! POOOOOOOp, now I gotta figure out if I wanna pay $850 to live here or what?????

CHECK THIS OUT:

OH my Friggin Savior Batman!!!! Jim Lee to take over Batman with 608

OH my goodness, if you can't see this image, click HERE and you WILL SEEE what I mean!!!!!!!!!


Ronnie, this is for you,.. check out 'LOOKING INSIDE AUTOMATIC KAFKA ' and some art by Ash Wood

'The Museum of Black Superheroes'

'Love Letters' Betty Berzon from PNO
Check the ones on AGE, MONAGAMIE, CHEATING, and and,.. I forget. BY THE WAY, THEY WERE ALL SENT TO KCRRLives, if you're a subscriber!!!!!

Monday:
Ok, I have a Math exam today I didn't really study for. I guess I was too wiped out/exhausted. Tried to get up early. I did, but not as early as I should have.

My first class is at 1,.. then my Math exam till like 4.

Then I have to put up my second round of notices for Fire Inspections that I'll be having tomarrow.

After that??? Don't know. Dinner, rehearse, Study maybe hang?

THIS FRIDAY MAY 26


'HEDWIG and the Angry Inch'is playing at Von der Mehden Ricital Hall UCONN.

I'm meeting people at 7PM at the Branford Lounge (Grad) for the 7:30 show.

Come with me,.. $4 student (or with me), $5 other

Give me a holla!

So how will Lucas, who once created an angelic Luke, morph his new hero into Lucifer? "He turns into Darth Vader because he gets attached to things," says Lucas. "He can't let go of his mother; he can't let go of his girlfriend. He can't let go of things. It makes you greedy. And when you're greedy, you are on the path to the dark side, because you fear you're going to lose things, that you're not going to have the power you need."

Hey, Gotta study for my Math exam tomarrow. Oh poop, I'm drowning my plants.

I love '21 Jump Street,' 'Kabuki,' Gen 13,' 'Star Wars,' and,......... they just make me happy.

Went to Gotham City last night for Ant's B-Day!! ,..... Speaking of Gotham,.....


From Newsrama:
LEE/LOEB DO BATMAN MONTHLY

The Rumor Confirmed

Addressing rumors first reported by Newsarama in early March, DC Comics has confirmed that beginning with October 2002's issue #608, writer Jeph Loeb and penciler Jim Lee will take over the monthly Batman series as its regular creative team, for what's currently tentatively planned as a year-long,12-issue run...

Click on text for full article.

For weekend Schedule please read the Friday April 19th post!!!!!!!!!!!

CLICK on TEXT to go to source: (I did not write this!)
Sunday, March 17, 2002
STAR WARS EPISODE TWO: ATTACK OF THE CLONES early cut review


The Official Website


Jedi Academy



Look on the web for Jim Lee/J. Scott Campbell art


Look on the web for Jim Lee/Travis Charest art

Weekend Schedule and Rant of the Day:

Friday:
Class from 1-4
Then Break
Dinner with Hilary??
Meet people at 7PM at Branford Lounge for 'Princess & the Warrior' (Run Lola Run) showing at Von der Mehden @ 7:30, $4 student or with me, $5 others. Meet me if you wanna go.
After,.. Hang/Homework/Sleep

Sat:
9:30 Morning volunteer RA work on 'WEST FEST' till?? (Free Pizza, games, cotton candy,
popcorn, etc, FUN!!!!)
Then something with Anthony et al for his B-Day (Boston??). I'm leaving this open.

Sun: -
This IS Anthony's B-Day,.. so,. it's open for him
Then some RA awards banquet. I was the only person on my staff to be nominated for an
award so I should go. From 4:45-8ish.
Study for my math exam on Monday, rehearse with Ben and MAYBE see 'someone.'

Rant for the Day:
Boy, its been awhile, and like before,.. much has passed since.
I twisted my damn ankle running around jumping on rocks,... argh.
I'm confused again about my purpose in life. If my purpose are my goals and dreams,.. then what after? I feel like I'm running with my head cut off. I don't know what I should do, if I did, I could just cut the bull instead of doing everything and nothing at once, waiting for something to happen. I'm tired of waiting. What to do?? I feel enslaved; tortured infact by my own 'nerosis' (sp),... like I can't let go of anything, because I'm not sure, or because of some insecurity (no more drugs to solve problems: find out WHY it is I do, think, need or want what I do/think),.. so I just do it all and get overwhelmed. Confused? Sorry. I wish I had a house/computer for a brain. Each room representing each 'thing' like my collecting of clothes, articles, information, magazines, music, stuff on my computer, etc and I can just throw things into these rooms and they will magically come out with an end result based on my methods/proceedures in decision making and taking action immediately, as if there was another me in each room; personal secretary, that can do what I would have done with those 'things' if I could devote 100% to them, but ACCELERATED to the end result. Then I can just access all the results without having to go through them myself. Wasting time, suffering, and not being able to focus or prioritze. Now this is a dream because I'm still afraid to let go. But why am a afraid?

Another dream escape would be to have 'amnesia.' Perhaps, I'd forget the hang-ups, insecurities or OCDness I have. Note: Would I forget I was Gay? That would be an interesting study on sexuallity. Perhaps I'd come back only remembering what's important in my life and decide that I need to get rid of all the 'stuff' I have in my room, or that, I don't need all those clothes because I know what my definative identify is (though, previously, I felt I identified with so many) and actually let go of MANY things that ENSLAVE me. Maybe I'd only remember things from the Navy,.. yikes,.. and cut my hair. Maybe I wouldn't this or that, or,... yeah, becareful for what I wish for.

NO, those aren't the answers. I really do need to find out why I am the way I am. And work on it. Be less "gluttonous', less OCD,... whatever. All I know is 'life is too short' to waste my time like this. Therefore I've come to the conclusion that I just need to find PEACE and BALANCE in my life; to get my shite together. Then the rest will follow, in regards to success in whatever my goals and dreams may be. SO instead of an immeadiate goal to achieve success carreerwise and start looking for carreer opportunities,.. I should focus on ME, being whole, harmonious, opportunities for my own personal growth as a person, spiritually. To find inner peace and balance.

TESTING PIC and LINK TO MY HOMOPAGE!!!!!!!!!!!

TESTING

Just had a RA program for the Final Four (or Two) here,........UConn Women Huskies B-Ball Team Kicked ASS!!!! We won the Nationals!!!!!! 39-0!!!!!!!! So friggin awesome!!!! Amazing. UConn's goin crazy!!!!!!!!! YAY, ..... go HUSKIES!!!!!! So much fun to be on a campus of National Champions!!!!!!

My mommy's Tai Chi teacher, Master 'G' (phonetically) is very good. She also does Kung Fu and has won many 1st place metals. She's also a judge and has developed some of the forms that are used in competitions. Anyhow,.. her husband is a 'GREAT' fencer and teacher. He's just been hired by Harvard, and was the coach for many international champs or something. Anyhow,.. he's 'supposedly' the shite. The two of them, they're trying to convice me to take it up. They keep bring it up and pushing me to do it. Offering, that he'd teach me for free. Argh,... it's such an honor,. but like I have the time right? I'd rather learn Kung Fu. But they keep pushing for some reason. SO I ask why,... why not Kung Fu. She answers because Fencing is higher in status, or higher class. What? That's why????? Weird huh,.. I mean besides that they think I'd be good at it. Whatever, I'm sure I COULD be good at it, but why start another thing when there are SOOOOO many other things I'm interested in that I don't have the time for. So, I'm gonna do it. Sigh...... (shaking head,...... yeah I know,. I know. I told them I'd give it a try,............Here we go,.....)

Tuft's Sage Colleges Confrence Synopsis
1. Nice.
2. Bumped into some people I haven't seen in a long time. That's always nice. Got/made some old and new contacts.. including some guy I bumped into; Art, one of the coordinaters of the con, and it was someone I kinda knew,... well, I mean we both felt we'd met before,.. weird, cool!
3. I went to 2 workshops.
There were alot I wanted to go to; in the first session, some of the ones I wanted to go to were the following: 'Chosing to Label: What's in a Name?', Confronting Heterosexism - Film Screening and Disscussion', Writing Literary Erotica (MY SECOND CHOICE) , 'Positive Stereotypes: Race, Gender, Sexuality and Media Culture', Trans 101: Ask the Transexuals,.. and the one I WENT to for the first session was 'Subversive Worship: Rediscovering the Body Beautiful'. ok,.... the description says the following: ' There are images within the Christian tradition that support a positive bodily faith, i.e., a faith not skittish of sex, sexuality, touch or queerness. Through (untraditional) worship, exploration of scripture, and conversation, we will unlearn some of the traditions that suppress and oppress human sexuality. We will reconstruct a healthier relationship with our bodies and our sexualities within a religious context. People of all faith traditions and experiences are welcome to join.' Now I had a hard time deciding between this workshop and the Erotic Writing workshop (really, the description of the workshop is much more substantial, ... is that the word I wanna use?). Anyhow,.... I went to the 'Subversive Worship' workshop. I'm not so sure what I was hoping to get outta it. I guess I was hoping to learn more about the text/scriptures of the bible and what they say about homosexuality. Of course the workshop's description, explains the workshop to be more,.. no, MUCH more than that. And it was. And it WAS really just more about the Bible, BODY refrences, society, etc. Well, whatever,. it was interesting,..... very, sigh, what's the word? Well, lets just say, there was satin in the center of a circle of desks with flowers scattered on it with a purple candle at it's center, and we were all asked to 'pray' and then go up pick up a flower, and make a wish,. etc. Stuff like that. Kinda spiritual. You know what's funny. The moment the presenter said that,. the first thought in my head was, 'What flower should I pick? The white, yellow or lavender?" My first instinct was 'white', which kinda stands for purity. But then I thought then what would 'yellow' or 'lavender' represent? And then I thought,. 'yellow',.. Asian, and I said, no, that'd be cheezy to pick 'yellow' cause I'm Chinese,.... which in turn lead me to not pick 'white' either, because of what that 'could' imply in that sence. SO, I ended up picking up the lavender one and made 2 wishes. I shared that with everyone in the workshop. Normally I NEVER pray or wish for myself. But recently I have,.. cause I realized I needed 'it'. I mean, it doesn't have to be 'selfish',... I can pray for example to be 'strong' instead of praying for something in my life to be 'easy'. Do you know what I mean??? Later this ALSO made me think,. shite, I can't just pray when I'm unhappy,.. that wouldn't be right. And I'm aware of that, cause I'm sure most times I pray is when I'm 'down' or 'sad' or when a situation has humbled me. I should pray reguardless, if I'm gonna pray at all. This also doesn't mean I pray to the common idea of the 'Christian' 'God',... I'm still Agnostic. Safest place to be,... ha ha. Especially when in religious debate and arguments (I think). Oh, and get this. The workshop was run by GREG MORISSE,....... now if you remember or know what I'm talking about when I say,.. the 'Your Turf' days, you'd know it's a long while ago. Yeah, well, Greg was someone I knew from back then. 'Queer' huh! I think he used to like me. :-)

In the second session, it was the same as the first in regards to there being many workshops I wanted to attend like the following: 'How to Bring in New Members and Keep Then Coming Back', 'Queer the Poem', Debunking the Notion of a Heirarchy of Oppressions', Not Either .. Or but Both AND...- Queer Students in Student Government', 'Queer Sexuality as Western Vice?', Transfeminism: Where Trans and Feminism Meet', Healthy Choices: It's not just in the Freezer Aisle' (MY 3RD CHOICE), 'Turning Anti-Racist Thnking into Action' (MY STRONG SECOND CHOICE) , really wanted to go to this one, sounds so interesting!!!!!! Damn. I wanted to know if they mean to END racism or just personally, cause I don't think we can end racism. Honestly, I also believe that people have the right to hate, not that it's a GOOD thing, but you can't tell someone they can't hate something/someone. Ok,.. so I chose to go to 'Self-Defense for Peaceful Warriors',.. ok so it sounds like 'Ronnie's' going to the confrence,.. lol. The description is as follows: "What is this oxymoron 'peaceful warriorship'? This workshop offers the chance to reflect on the ways we move throught the world and to explore a set of practical self-defense skills for encounters at the visual, verbal, and physical levels. How can we approach our ordinary and extraordinary interactions with increasing self-confidence, awareness, centeredness, and peace?' I was mostly interested in the 'verbal' and 'visual' 'encounters'. Well, it all started VERY well, it was great,.. the presenter and I really were feeling eachother. I was feelin good. Talking about the whole 'peaceful warrior' thing,.... then all of a sudden it was WACK. She ended up showing us all these violent self-defense techniques, and saying how, this can kill a person and this can do this to a person,....etc. and I was like,. ok,.. I understand maybe if I'm in REAL danger,.. but what REALLY bothered me was how the focus shifted SOOOOOO off the peaceful aspect,.... EVEN when we talked about how someone could verbally attack us,.. her solution was NOT to say something to promote peace,.. but to visualize yourself hurting them REALLY BADLY, as to give yourself the self-esteem or something to just brush it off. What if some kid took that advice and acted on it? Thinking something leads to action!!!!! I really didn't like that part.
4. Kate Bornstein , the end keynote speaker, was awesome as usual. Look Kate up if you don't know who it is. Trust.
5. The con was short and sweet, though we didn't make it to the dance,.. it was ok. We went to a coffee house thingy and I rocked it. Well, I think I did. I mean, ask anyone else who went. I felt good about it. I'm sure I scared some people,... ha ha ha! Good. I did 2 old, 'self loathing/indulgent/alienating' spoken word pieces and a performance art piece. It was wack, but very good practice. I inspired myself to do better. It felt really good. Whateva,........

Holly Shite,. it's like 6:30 almost,..... damn,... "I'm a slave" to my "_________" (affliction?), I have a hard time prioritizing!!!!!!!

Ok, one more thing,.. recently I've put a word to one of my affictions. Glutteney (sp). I AM GLUTTENOUS!!!!!!! That explains alot!! Really it does,... I mean even if OCD covers EVERYTHING,.. I'm trying not to commit to that 'excuse', or that of ADD either.

gnite,... OH,... ok,.. one more thing,. really short,..... I had a dream last night,. I got shot in the head.... and I could feel the bullet going in,.. deeper and deeper,.. I was being chased by 'someone' (I think it was Shasky, and he was with 'Star,' I just kept seeing her running with him) who kept avoiding the authorities no matter what, he was always a threat. He was trying to kill me cause I killed someone he loved(?) by accident (Sharmeen?). I ran and ran,... no one could help me,.. he was always getting to me,.. and when I was shot,.. he thought I was dead. I was sure I was gonna die soon myself,.. esp. since I kept feeling like,.. if that bullet goes any further, I'm gonna drop dead,.. and it did. And I did drop,..... but later I got back up. When he found out, it just kept going,.. but by that point I think the police were trying to protect me and so where the parents of THAT GUY or of the person I killed?? Anyhow, the parents were with me, by my side,. and the other guy was under custody eventually, after a long scary chase where he ended up shooting me again,. like in the leg,.... this happenes even though the police had him. And somehow,... I forget,.. I kill him,.... and then that sets the parents off,.. esp. if they ARE HIS parents,.. for some reason reminded me of John's parents,.. well, the mother, wearing a fur coat, goes ballistic and attacks me. Well, we're wrestling,. and I eventually throw her to her death. Maybe off a building or onto train tracks or something, but she was hurt if not dead. This sets what seems like a cycle of people wanting to kill me,...... and I wake up.

Some other recent dreams include John (personal),.. and another with Eric Hill (an acting teacher), in a dark acting studio/noir like. I do something wrong or something; a fuck up and he yells at me relentlessly, and I take it like a professional soldier. And then one last one, where I'm with two other Asian guys who are officers for bootcamp, taking recruits to Boot Camp or something. Knowing them, I take that opportunity one day, when they are transporting recuits to boot camp, to sneak back into the military. And I"m all sneaking around and shite at boot camp.... hmmmmmmm

Ok,.. that's it,.. I promise. Until next time!

(Nam-Us-Day)

I went to see Everybody's Famous tonight. It was good,.. it exposes how the media/society perpetuate the ideal images that value outter beauty over inner beauty, and in this case, superficial over talent in the music industry (or any other media for that matter). ,.. blah blah,.. it was touching,esp. cause the 'ugly' duckling character wasn't an actress who fit into the societal/media mold of beautiful. She was 'plump.' They didn't change her at the end to be 'accepted,' she just was, because of her inner self,.. her inner beauty and talent (not that she was THAT visually lacking, but just not the 'common' ideal). Now go make an American Version of it with a beautiful thin (adjectives, adjectives)popular star, and give them a pair of glasses and a ponytail to disguise as an ugly duckling. Yes, that's how Americans would do it. Look at 'She's All That',.... yeah,. it wasa an amazing transformation at the end,.. gee, she was SOOO fat and ugly before!!! NOT.

Ok,.. if you read my last entry, you'd know my plans for the weekend. John's over here now. Now waiting to see if I'm gonna go to see Panic Room, or go to Providence.

I'm eating a peach now,.. and have email to do. Peeps keep callin me,.. hold on,........ arghhhh, ok I gotta go. I bought the Inc. Hulk #38, and $100 worth of liquor for Blaze,.. it was sooooo heavy.

Um, yeah, oh, Addendum to Montreal Synopsis #4 for those who know me WELL!!!!!!! Ask and I shall tell.

You know what else I did recently, that I didn't add in the last entry? I went to 'Church' last Sunday and I also got a Bible,.... (long story)

Things To Do (that I can think of NOW):
1. Learn to Prioritize

This Weekend:
Friday - I will go see 'Everybody's Famous,' a Flemish comedy about a father who'd do anything to make his daughter famous. ($4 tickets, @ VDM UCONN!!)
After if I have time, I may either a) go to Mirabar with some UConn folks, b) Go to an off-campus party c) Watch 'Panic Room' or
d) Do c and b if I don't do a
Sat - I will be going to TUFTs University in Boston this weekend for a 'Safe College' confrence. (SAT)
Sun - I'm Free, should do some work, go home cause I need to check my USN medical records, visit friends, buy deoderant and CD-Rs, ??? and then at night, I'm helping
run a RA program for the Final Four!!!!!!

Montreal Synopsis:
1. Drank ALOT.
2. Ate
3. Swam
4. Jacuzzi
5. Cold & Wet
6. Got lost in the city alone for a long time,.. late at night. Saw 2 hookers, 4 squaters asking me for $$, and overheard some guys talking about some old guy who got hit over the head and was left on the street with his head bleeding. I went, no RAN to 2 other hotels until I found mine!! ha ha ha
7. Went to 2 gay bar/clubs ALONE,.. and ended up meeting some guy from France.
8. Met a lotta UCONN peeps
9. With 7 OTHER people; mostly Acting Majors, 3 guys, 4 girls, 6 of which were 19 and under.
10. Drama

THE BEGINNING?

Hey all I know I haven't done a journal update in ages and so much has happened since like the Queer People of Color confrenxe I went to at Yale, ECASU in North Carolina (some Asian Confrence), and now,.. my Montreal trip for Spring Break. SO much has been goin on,.. don't know where to begin. I drank more than I ever had in Montreal, but not so much I was wasted mind you. It was fun,.. but I wish certain other people were there to enjoy it with me.

Ths semester has been different,.. as has every semester,.. cool,.. but this one, was one with particularily lots more inner-searching?? Anyhow,.. you've probably met Sharmeen already, and she's had a lot to do with it. It's amazing how people come into your lives. I had told her I was afraid I'd say or do something(s) she wouldn't approve of and that those things may affect our friendship,.. well, I was right in that I have said or done certain questionable things,.. but hopefully having understood eachother so far,.. it will curb what I predicted (which is why I told her,....). I care, and friendships take care. Sometimes I suck.

You mean a lot to me,.. yeah YOU,.. well, not you so much, yes, but not the same as YOU ofcourse. You know what I mean. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE,.. ha hah ha (this is an echoing of what Ant. had said).

Anyhow,.. shite,.. you know, I had this take home midterm before break. 3 essays,.. and I didnt' start it until an hour before it was due. I was just going to blow it off, cause I was working on something else that I'd been spending hours and hours on overnight ofcoarse,.. anyhow,... I had finished the 3 essays in 2 hours,.. the fastest bullshite ever, esp. since i NEVER read the material it was on and was an hour late to class,.. well, shite, I just got it back today. A bunch of my friends got Ds, Cs,... and I got a Friggin A!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe????

Also, in my math class,. we had a midterm today... the last exam I got a 2. yeah,.. a 2 out of 100!! I failed,.. so I studied all night till 6AM this morning,..and took the exam,.. I think I did ok. Whatever.

For some reason, this semester I've also recommitted myself to my job,. as a RA,.. I've been doing so much,.. programs here and there,.. bulletin boards,. just tons of extra work,......(instead of studying of coarse,.. ha ha),.. no really,..

But I really need to find a balance,.. I never get enough sleep, it's killin me,.. oh and I had my Summer Auditions,... for the summer productions,.. I totally bombed those,.. I was an embarrassment to the department. Anyhow since I'm not in any summer productions, and I dont' think I have any more classes I can take in the summer,.. I really don't have to stay here as a RA over the summer,.. but then again I haven't made any plans,.. I wanted a productive summer, either in the West Coast taking an acting class and auditioning,. or interning somewhere there or in NYC,.. for Film/TV or comics,.. but like i said, I havn't done jack about it yet. SOOOOOOOOOOOO,.. I may just stay as a RA here,......... and do nothing for the summer???? maybe??? like a rest??? I don't know.

This is tooo much to read, isnt' it. No one really reads email this long unless they are really interested or it's a personal email,.... I know I dont',.. he he,.....

Shite,..... I wanna see Panic Room ,.... shite alotta other movies in fact. Oh, you know what else is strange this semester,..... I'm buying comics again! and I force myself to stay up later at night to read one or two,.. lol.

Oh, and my friggin TV doesn't work!!!!!!! Arrrrghhhhhh!!!

Lest see, what else can I say to waste your time. You know, no one EVER replies to my emails (except Ronnie sometimes) or even USES my listserve! What's up with people,.... nothing,... maybe it's me,.. ah ha.

I questions if anyone even gets this. Then again, why would people care. Oh, I gotta give special props to NICK,.. my friend down in Jersey. I gotta thank you for keeping in touch,.. like NO OTHER friend I know has or would (in given circumstances)! Thank You!

Random shite: I still need a haircut!!! Oh, I still have plans for X-Mas gifts and B-Day gifts for those of you who's still expecting somethign from me. I haven't forgotten. I'm really embracing my, my affliction, or something,.. or trying to atleast. My Affliction,.. I am a slave to it. X-Tina is comming folks. Oh, there are a mess of movies showing at Cinestudio I wanna watch!!!!!!! Ok I'll shut up now till next time.....